Apparently, ABC likes Sausage Fests, as this season of The Bachelor has now become "The Vienna Show" - hey, anything for ratings. With only five girls left, the road trip progressed to San Francisco, where there were three one-on-one dates, and one two-on-one (in layman's terms "a threesome").
Tenley, whose body I'd like to snatch and pull the ole switcheroo with my own, got the first one-on-one, and the two relatively boring folks traveled to China Town. The funniest part of the whole date is when Jake exclaimed, "It feels like you're in a foreign country!" Hence the name, Jake...hence the name. Back home, Corrie showed us she's not as dull as dishwater by pulling the best prank of all time - she read the two-on-one date card as being with Vienna and her nemesis Ali, to which Ali exclaimed "I feel sick." Fooled ya! Of course, a huge blow-up between the girls ensued...yada yada.
Tenley and Jake's date progressed to Coit Tower in San Francisco, where Jake was dressed as Dieter from SNL. "Now is the time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!" Jake actually confronted Tenley a bit, asking if there was anything she might have done differently in her marriage, and she answered it quite frankly by saying she shouldn't have taken everything for granted. The rest of the date was nauseatingly romantic, as they opened personalized fortune cookies and made out. I can only imagine if I gave one of those to my husband, it would probably read "Hey honey, take out the trash!" Of course, as has happened on every episode, ABC piped in "On The Wings Of Love" in the background, as if the scene wasn't making us all sick already.
A giant chest was delivered back to the girls' suite in San Fran, and it contained all sorts of goodies (shoes, accessories, clothes) for Vienna and Gia to wear on their dates. I'm guessing it was easy to see whose was whose - petites for Gia and Extra Manly for V. As if she's just begging us to hate her, before their date at the vineyard, Vienna told cameras "I'm my dad's princess and now I'm Jake's queen." Hey, nobody likes a cocky drag queen. She proceeded to make the evening completely unbearable for Gia as she pretended she wasn't even there and spilled her nasty guts to Jake. Luckily, Jake saw right through her and pulled Gia aside to make sure he knew she was still something special to him by shoving his tongue down her throat...ya know, cuz that's how you do that. Comedy ensued as Vienna decided not to wait but hunt them down by searching for them in the dimly lit maze that was the winery. ABC built up the suspense, allowing us to think she was going to walk right in on them making out but, alas, it wasn't to happen. Later, she secured her place on the periphery by pulling the dick move (In her case, this is what we call it) and going down to Jake's bedroom with two glasses of wine in hand. Although Jake said he did have "dirty thoughts" (Yes, he really said that), he turned her down flat. Booyah! For your parting gift - blue balls!
Do I really have to go into the date with Corrie? What a yawner. As if Jake knew just how boring it would be, he took her to a park. A park! The only funny thing to happen was neither of them would make the proper percentage of a lean-in to make a kiss work, so they sat there within an uncomfortably close distance for what seemed like hours. By the end of the date, Jake figured out what I guess was the "problem" the whole time - Corrie is a virgin. Zzzzzzz...wake me up when Vienna breaks someone's ribs, will ya?
Ali got her coveted date of being able to show Jake around her neighborhood in San Francisco, and this girl perplexes me. She's definitely cute and seems quite normal for a reality show, but sometimes she says weird things. She's far and away the coolest of the lot though, in my humble opinion. The date was relatively uneventful as they visited some local haunts and made out in a park (duh). Jake did confront her on the Vienna situation but she backed down like nobody's business. Girl is all talk. Apparently, she didn't want to rock the boat, as she declared herself "smitten."
The rose ceremonies have also become a bit predictable, although I was definitely shocked when Jake pulled a 180 on his stance on Vienna, all of a sudden declaring her very attractive. He said he wanted to do something special for her so he took her down to his suite to show her the view from his patio. Sounds like someone had a talkin'-to by the ABC producers. What else could explain this, other than someone pulled a Shallow Hal on this guy and he sees someone completely less hideous than the rest of us? In the end, she even got the final rose, leaving Corrie to safely secure her status as one of the last American virgins.
Apparently, next week there is yet another "bombshell" dropped on us folks. What do you have in store for us now, ABC? You sly, sly dog, you.