The absurd performance delivered by Johnny Depp as a vampire in his buddy Tim Burton's 'Dark Shadows' has been derided by film critics in their hordes as a grotesque pile of steaming pig sh-t!
It appears America's top film critics are all signing from the same hymn sheet in their appraisal of the latest mediocre and dreary epic from the talented partnership that brought us 'Edward Scissorhands' and 'Sweeney Todd'.
Whereas those films were just simply crap, it appears 'Dark Shadows' is somewhat offensive in its blundering and labored efforts to be scary.
Familiar accusations of ignoring the plot in favor of visual flair and trickery have been targeted at the film's director Burton, where Depp seems to have fallen yet again into the trap of believing quirks and gimmicks can compensate for the lack of a realistic performance. In short, his portrayal of a vampire is lifeless.
The Wall Street Journal's critic Joe Morgenstern hits the 'Johnny ' squarely on the head when he snarls, "The film is a piece of over cooked camp. Mr Depp bites off less than he can chew by sampling bits and bytes of former roles: the fey lilt of Jack Sparrow, the epicene affect of Willy Wonka, the elaborate courtliness of Don Juan DeMarco,"
Writing in 'The Detroit News' fellow critic Tom Long is merciless in his review of the vampire flick, warning readers that the antics of Barnabas Collins would bore them to death. "How bad is 'Dark Shadows'?" asked the upset critic, "It makes you long for a 'Twilight' movie, and that's bad."
It's a very valid point. Especially poignant when one considers that of late Depp has appeared to insult fellow thespian's Robert Pattinson's romantic portrayal as a blood-drinking monster in the 'Twilight' movies, by commenting that "Vampires shouldn't look like underwear models."
Keep your knickers on Johnny! It seems our Depp's character assassination of poor Pattinson's acting abilities and chiseled features seem to reek of the doubt and despair of a man faced with a midlife crisis. Although hysterical Depp fans are in a permanent state of denial about their idol's advancing years and diminishing talent, the boy from 21 Jump Street is looking a wee bit old dude and appears to be clutching desperately at all sorts of straws to fight off the ravages of old man time.
Depp was recently photographed swanning around Tokyo looking like a gay Hell's Angel obsessed with 'Brokeback Mountain.' The pictures in question seem to suggest that what we have here is a foolish old man who has lost all sense of reality and himself. Or in other words - a twat in a hat.
It seems, Depp has become a bit like like a half-crazed and badly nourished grizzly bear prowling stroppily around the woods he once ruled, but whose kingship is now threatened by the arrival of fitter and younger bears.
Consequently, a wounded and terrified Johnny Depp, isolated in his own overwhelming paranoia and monstrous ego, has lashed out at those he sees as a threat and decided somewhat bizarrely that making a lame vampire film is the best means of retaliation.
Poor, poor Johnny! Whatever next! A Justin Bieber collaboration?